When I was young and would get Advent Calendars, I would always be tempted to open the next day’s door early. To sneak a peek, not necessarily to have the candy, just to now what was coming. Do any of you still feel that way? Well as a special treat – and due to the fact that tomorrow’s schedule will not allow blog time – I am giving you an early peek at Day Three. It is a new computer program to help those of you, like me, get through the tough ten weeks of Christmas. I may turn to it myself before the 25th. The HELP menu has never seemed so useful.

Under the cover of night, last night, I slipped out to the mall – a guerilla operation – sneak in, acquire a couple of non-holiday related items, and sneak out. Given the time of year, I realized it to be a risky operation. Surprisingly, I found it not at all crowded. Surely a retail ploy, akin to Point of Purchase display stands, designed to lull us into a false sense consumer confidence. [Weeks from now, I’m sure I will regret not finishing my shopping last night] So why was it I had to stand in line? I will tell you why. Because of the little check out girl, let’s call her Dory. Now, I don’t know if that was her name, but we’ll call her that to see if you are paying attention. I watched this poor little fish out of water - bottom lip a quiver, gasping for water; brown eyes bulging behind the simulated aquarium wall of her glasses; I even saw her reach to her neck in search of gills no longer there – as she floundered and flapped behind the customer service desk. And I thought to myself - aside from ‘Why doesn’t someone drop her back into the tank before she dies?’ – ‘When did on the job training become a part of collective holiday experience?’ Retailers are so desperate for help, that they pluck young “fish” from the tank and drop them behind cash register to help with you ever increasing stress level. Somewhere, in some Havard Business School Master’s Thesis is the retail theory of “Walk, Breath Air or Die.”

Will little Dory make it? Perhaps it’s too early to tell, but then again with the sharks and feeding frenzies she will encounter in the coming weeks, her survival is minimal. Most likely, she will be used as bait to lure shoppers back into the mall after the holidays. So, think of little Dory, as you stand in Disneyland-esqe lines to buy that last minute trinket. When you see that bottom lip gasp at the air, remember, she’s trying to breathe air for the first time, you can’t expect much more from her.

So pull open the door with the little fish on it, Day Two of your Advent Blog is here and inside you find TWAS, today’s holiday movie. A short to be exact (2:43), directed by Michele Remsen, featuring little Evelina Van Norden (pictured above). Go to Atom Films website: http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/twas?afhomeclicktrack=COM1 (if it doesn’t come up as a link, copy it into your browser), sit back and enjoy the funniest holiday tidbit since MAD TV’s Raging Rudolph. Twenty Two days left gang, we can do this. Ho Ho Ho.

“So, here it is December 1st and as promised, Door 1 of the Advent Blog. As you can see this door is a festive holiday red, sporting a red ribbon. Pull the door open and we find a small chocolate in the shape of Africa, wrapped in foil hope, in honor of World AIDS Day 2005. Right now, over 350,000 people are alive because Americans asked our nation to do more to fight AIDS. Still every day in Africa, HIV/AIDS kills 6,600 people, 8,800 people are infected with the HIV virus and at least 1,400 newborn babies are infected during childbirth. We must do more. So think globally as you start your Christmas shopping, the gang at Ropadope can help. Go to http://store.ropeadope.com and click either the Keep a Child Alive or Become a Drug Dealer buttons. Both will provide you information and cool gifts for you friends with a conscience (or those without one). Or go directly to www.keepachildalive.org or www.one.org to learn more. For those of you who think this is just Africa’s problem, remember who’s birthday you are celebrating this year or the Karmic implications of whatever your chosen religion.

Now, for the first gift of Christmas, today NBC announced that they are shelving the extremely expensive and equally unfunny FRIENDS spin-off JOEY. It may just turn out to be a good year after all.

And finally, what would the an Advent Blog from the Hyena Kitchen be without a musical nod to help you make it through the next 24 shopping days – check out Austin’s very own Asylum Street Spankers’ CHRISTMAS SPANKING (on Bloodshot Records). Com on, we’re talking $13 on Amazon. Trust me. Ho Ho Ho.